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Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
2:49 am
oh livejournal
poor forgotten livejournal, here I am, I will write in you like it's 2002, even if nobody's watching anymore.
blissed out after concert tonight.  I came closer to kicking ass on the cello than I ever have. nice note on which to end the term. I finished this semester and now it's time for a whole new chapter,  my year off from college. I sure hope I can change myself and my wretched ways. I sure hope I play nice when I get back. I sure hope I can figure out a way to not feel like a walking carcass all the time. I want to make time slow down, weeks stream past me at an obscene rate these days and I can feel myself getting older.

CHAPTER 3:

"________________"

current mood: drunk

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Monday, February 6th, 2006
10:26 pm
ma ma ma ma the way the dispenser cup on the change machine curves upwards under the lip to ease the removal of quarters. i suckadingdong singalong. <3 thoughts made shapes/thoughtfullness shaped/shape thoughted

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Friday, January 27th, 2006
10:37 pm
keeping a bananna in your backpack is a BAD idea.

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6:18 pm
so much piano. You know you've been practicing too long when you start to hear glenn gould humming along with your playing. my neurological problems manifest in interesting ways when I focus on something for six hours. it's always fun when the notes of the piece I'm working on begin to have opinions of eachother and the whole thing turns into a long and varied conversation with an occasional heated argument. I couldn't express the dialogue any better than I could explain one of those dreams I have when I first start to fall asleep. I had to stop last night when I suddenly couldn't tell the difference between my fingers and the piano keys. When I got up I was hallucinating all over the place. At the art opening I stood between two pairs of people having a converstaion and listened, trying to follow both lines at once, like I was studying a two-part invention. It's kind of hard. contrapuntal thinking.

current mood: bbbbbbrrrmmmm

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Thursday, January 19th, 2006
2:50 pm
I feel awfully liberated today after Sherri's acting class. Alina noted how different I sounded afterwards in contrast to last night when I spoke to her feeling miserable and anxious. I think my whole person changes when I'm under pressure. And I find myself in situations where I'm in a state of dread or totally stressed out all the time. Just think, if I never let anxiety tighten its clammy grip around my neck I'd be so much happier, and probably more pleasant to be with. I guess I'll just keep trying to get everything done as soon as I get it.
Bach class was amazing, singing four part chorales and dissecting inventions, learning baroque keyboard technique and studying history. It turns out that Alan Vogel, my teacher, plays in Helmuth Rilling's orchestra on some of my favorite cantata recordings! He is truly a Bach disciple and quickly becoming one of my role models.
My harpsichord teacher loves all the same pieces I do. Between private lessons, bach class, and my own ear training work outside of class, I may get all the music education I want and not really feel the need to transfer out of theatre, considering that all I'm really interested in studying is baroque and pre-baroque music. I still feel practically sick when I sit down to play guitar. I wonder if I'll ever really pick it up again. Maybe all those months of hitting my head against a wall trying to write songs left a really bad taste in my mouth. I can't really even enjoy most guitar music anymore. Typical C/G/F/D-ish rock songs are pretty unlistenable. It's odd that Neil Young, who used to just steal my heart is so bland to me now.

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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
2:10 pm
I took my first interterm class today, an improv workshop. It turns out we're doing heavy stuff life recreating moments of high emotion from our own lives on stage. I know you have to do that shit every once and a while in theatre and it always sucks but come on, nobody told me this class was going to be like that when I signed up for it! Now I'm just anxious. I shouldn't be. I'm going to go deal with that right now. um. I'll nap first.

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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
1:10 am
"I kind of hate to go into hoohoo land, but when it comes to being friends with people, or falling in love or doing a good job at anything, etiquette and good-friendsmanship can only take you so far.There is a little spark, a little something, in the absence of which the world is just no good. I see it all the time when I'm taking care of Ava. she's only two and a half, and totally ignores most of the kids we see at the park every day. but every few weeks, some kid will come along, and you can see that instantly they like each other. they're making faces at each other, imitating each other jumping up and down, or rolling around on the floor, and then no matter how long it is before they see each other again, it is like that every time--and they can barely talk!" (teddy tolkin)

little spark
what a mysterious thing this life is

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12:45 am
this is the most depressed I've been in a really long time. it can't just be alina. I'm crying into my soup.

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Saturday, January 14th, 2006
11:23 pm
learning music is so frustrating. trying to focus is like trying to quell some rabid grizzly bear into playing dead. ADD meds make me insane. I have to tame this beast on my own? I need to figure out how to learn pieces faster. This Handel is so beautiful and so difficult. I feel incompetent until I have everything in muscle memory. Today while I was eating a burger at In n' Out an old man sitting at an adjacent table overheard my mother and I talking about Linex and helped remind me why I wanted all this in the first place. I left feeling brighter and more hopeful and had a nice talk with wooman in which I shared my understanding and expressed my concerns more reasonably. I understand. It's all good. And yet tonight I find myself once again feeling utterly disconsolate and hopelessly lonely. fuck. Listening to Chopin right now is reminding me of some preteen locking themselves in their room and drowning themselves in linkin park after their parents wont let them go out to that party where all the cool kids are.

* turning it up *

current mood: listless

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Friday, January 13th, 2006
2:23 pm - "papers please "
today was class registration. bureaucratic carbon copy nightmare. so many lines. my schedule is packed this semester. I got out of my mandatory playreading class to take the Bach intensive with Alan Vogel. Alan is an oboist for the los angeles chamber orchestra and a truly lovely guy. It seems that we share the same total devotion to JSB. This is very exciting, and I am eager to learn tons from him. His compliments on my harspichord playing put me in a state of serious unease. I know how limited my skills are in so many areas. Luckily, I shared my apprehensions with Alan--told him how nervous this all made me and how much I struggle with sight reading and all the stuff I never learned... I say luckily, becuase what ensued was a really fantastic and reassuring conversation that made me feel much better and very excited to know this man. This semester is going to be overwhelming, with a play to rehearse, and cello practice and keyboard and all my critical studies classes and my plans for filmmaking and writing. I could get crushed. I have to breathe. Everyday, sit and breathe and take one thing at a time with no wasted moments. I am a person who does, not some pimple-faced foamhead sloshing around in a whirlwind of ideas and regrets and bad feelings. I wish my emotions weren't such a pinned bull. Alina I'm sorry I'm a bad matador but I'm walking around missing you with this kind of nondescript hank williams-like heartbroken yodeling running through my head on repeat, a sad formless country song that makes me feel like slouching over a shot of whiskey in some dank saloon. My throat is in a knot. Love is so wierd. I wondered when I was younger why it served as the focus of nearly every song, story, work of art ever created. Why sing on and on about sweet kisses and and painful distance when you can talk about how awesome burritos are? Dinosaurs. I understand. They're seperate from everything else in the spectrum of human experience, love and sex. They exist on their own, they are their own universe. When love has you in its throes, whether through heartbreak or hopeful fancy, everything else takes second place. I mean this is all pretty duh but I guess I'm realizing it all over again, for myself. So it's like auuuuugh fuck alina I'm so lonsesome I could crrrrryyyeeeeeeeehew
I want you HERE with ME

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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
1:32 am
and here i am talking to a fucking computer, and representations of people, and arranging this to say things i want to say but don't know why i want to say them and
right now i think some family is taking a ride on those tour elephants in koh sok national forest... others are stuck in some hospital, smell of shit and lysol and cold nurses and plain views. somewhere else they have their feet in cold water, see the clear blue sky which is really just a wall of refracted light.
beyond it's space, which means nothing, but i'm not even gonna go there because that's like meee so tempered, everything through a huh? of what I've heard so many times, and my entertainment really has done it, but something else would in its place otherwise
i want a big glass of cold water, and I want to be with my sister. hi teddy. i miss you

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1:05 am - blah blah baaah dry eyes
me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
yeah it's like you can't really understand it but it holds, subsequently pulsing and stopping when we want toit'ssoswelteringhotheatissodryinthosroomsi'mrottinglikeheadonthedeskpeoplemsilearoundmefornothingohhahahthisisreallyfunnylikethattimeiwenttothemarketandboughtacordogallthoseothertimeswerejustpractice

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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
11:54 pm
Sometimes I wish life was in eight bit color. Or so fucking clean that I could spend my days hopping around on levitating platforms against epic gradient backdrops. Hop on my variable/sprite enemies and recycle them into the digital infinite. I feel like my cartridge needs to be blown out.

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9:58 pm
I can hear rats scurrying between the walls of my house tonight. The day was nice, a fleeting reunion with the pleasantly addled wits of past times. I love those alley-ways that cut straight through several miles of service streets. I like those low clouds that appear to move quickly in the sky during the morning, near the beach. I take pleasure in knowing that I am going to school tomorrow. The warmth of this laptop feels good on my lap. God fucking damnit I fucking hate sunday nights.

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